Managing Grief From Loss of a Child as a couple.

There is nothing more painful than to lose a child. Here is some insight to hopefully provide you with a little understanding.

This sorrow may hurt you more than any other grief you have ever known. You might feel like your identity has changed, and it is hard to visualize yourself without your child. This ongoing identity confusion comes from wondering if you are still a parent, do you count that child if someone asks how many children you have. This will always be a painful thought.

Friends and family are near for a while, but after some time everyone stays away. With such a tragic loss,

people are uncomfortable talking about it, mentioning the name of your child; they just “don’t want to upset you.” I am sure you have heard this many time. Right at the time when the world keeps turning, and everyone goes back to their own lives, you might feel like you are all alone with a new life to accept and a new identity to redefine.

Hopes and dreams for the future are no longer defined. You had a vision for the future of your child, you wanted to see grandchildren, or perhaps you are now left to raise grandchildren. The future is uncertain, and you grieve not only your child but all milestones of life your child will miss or those of his or her children.

It is not natural to lose a child. You never thought your child would die before you. This is one of the main reasons why your identity has shifted. Child loss at any age is unnatural.

I Hope that this small blog in helpful in understanding your surroundings while experiencing this devastating loss.

There is a notorious difference between how men and women grieve.

WOMEN:

1. Tend to have sadness /depression

2. Process grief in conversation with friends/family

3. Tend to have decreased appetite

4. May sleep less than usual

5. Cry easily, even at seemingly unrelated things

6. Tend to be lethargic in early months after loss

7. Tend to have a need to understand

8. Fear loss of love from spouse/family

9. Focused on the past; want to remember

MEN:

1. Tend to have denial, displaced anger behaviors

2. Process grief silently and alone

3. Tend to have increased appetite

4. May sleep more than usual

5. Can’t cry, or have difficulty allowing self to cry

6. Tend to have unfocused, urgent energy in early grief

7. Tend to have the need to place blame

8. Fear loss of a sense of personal power

9. Focused on the future; want to move on

10. Need to fix a partner’s sorrow

11. Feel helpless

—Barbara Fane

Because of the differences in the way man and women grieve it is important to listen to each other without judgment, to spend time together and to give each other space to grieve in their own way and in their own timeline.

Be patient and kind towards yourself and those around you. This is the hardest thing you will ever have to go through, remember that it will require you to grow in order to find hope again.

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